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Posts tagged ‘adhd’

Hello Again

Okay blog, we have to stop meeting like this. In my defense, there have been some big changes since I last updated. You know, there’s some blogs I read that are deeply personal and really open about what the writer is going through in their life. I admire those people because they largely share things I would never be comfortable with telling friends, let alone the internet. Though I guess it’s easier to tell strangers thing, as I posted about having ADHD on my blog before I ever mentioned it to most of the people in my life.

I’ve been trying to be more forthcoming with information about my life and maybe having this blog is helping that, but there’s still things I’m private about. Or maybe I’m just not ready to discuss everything yet. I’m not being intentionally vague to draw anyone in, I’m just taking a long time to get to my point, which is also unsatisfying and vague. I was supposed to be moving into an apartment with a friend at the end of the month. However, that is probably no longer going to happen. A mix of financial issues, health problems, more financial issues because of said health problems, and stupidity on my part means I’ll probably be heading to a small town with family.

There are many good things and bad things to this decision. I’ll be moving from friends and civilization, there’s no Chipotle in the new town, and my family is great but I was ready to live on my own. On the plus side the cost is less, I’ll be less stressed and more productive, and my family is pretty great and they have dogs.

What I will say is that I probably don’t have ADHD. Or maybe I do. As anyone who deals with any of these issues knows, one’s mental health can be confusing. There are many things like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and ADHD that blur together or occur together and in medical terminology; it’s a bitch to figure out. So while I am not moving, I am hopefully going to be figuring out more about my lovely and annoying mind and how it works, spending quality time with the pets, and living a hopefully amusing life in a town where I may be the only liberal and vegetarian.

 

Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night. Oil on can...

Wasn’t going to use a picture, but WordPress suggested this. I may have problems but I will not cut off my ear.

I learn all my lessons from TV shows.

The days where I get ten hours of sleep are not the ones where I’m most rested. It’s only ten here and I’m already yawning and thinking about how comfortable my bed is. I sat down to write a blog post (two days in a row!), but I’d rather be sleeping. On days like this I wonder where the time went. I feel like I didn’t get much accomplished today and that’s because I didn’t.  I have trouble focusing on one task, so my days are usually a jumble of half finished projects and wasted time. I guess all I can do is think of the positives. I received two free meals today (food would be where my mind goes first), it was a beautiful day outside, and I made plans to have lunch with a good friend tomorrow. Normally at the end of a lackluster day, I hope I can get my act together tomorrow, focus, and get some work done. Tonight, I am not hoping. I am determined to make tomorrow better.

Here’s a simple quote from Cougar Town that has been applicable to my life lately: “Nothing you really want in life ever works out, unless you’re in one hundred percent.”

But maybe Ron Swanson said it best:

A Good Hair Day

I didn’t brush my hair today. My perfectly logical explanation is that I couldn’t find a brush. Because I am the kind of person that frequently misplaces their hairbrush, which doesn’t even seem like it should be possible, but I always take mine in the car or in my purse. Our house is sparse and uncluttered because of the showings and I still managed to lose it. Though considering how good my hair looks today it might have to stay gone. This is the second day my brush has been missing and I swear my hair looked great both days. And that’s probably only 20% or 30% wishful thinking. I only did the fingers through the hair quick comb and yet it seems to be much less frizzy and unkempt than usual.

In addition to the hair, I feel like I’ve had a pretty good day. I was productive and I had a free meal at Subway with my mom. My veggie sandwich happened to be on the low fat list of subs (I’m ignoring the amount of cheese and mayo I added), I’ve been able to get some writing done, I worked out, and I studied Spanish for a little while. The only thing I can hope for is that this continues until tomorrow. It seems like every good day I have is followed by a day that I wear sweatpants and don’t leave the couch.

I suppose all of this is my way of saying I am glad to have some Mary Oliver in my life.

Reckless Poem- Mary Oliver

Today again I am hardly myself.
It happens over and over.
It is heaven-sent.

It flows through me
like the blue wave.
Green leaves – you may believe this or not –
have once or twice
emerged from the tips of my fingers

somewhere
deep in the woods,
in the reckless seizure of spring.

Though, of course, I also know that other song,
the sweet passion of one-ness.

Just yesterday I watched an ant crossing a path, through the
tumbled pine needles she toiled.
And I thought: she will never live another life but this one.
And I thought: if she lives her life with all her strength
is she not wonderful and wise?
And I continued this up the miraculous pyramid of everything
until I came to myself.

And still, even in these northern woods, on these hills of sand,
I have flown from the other window of myself
to become white heron, blue whale,
red fox, hedgehog.
Oh, sometimes already my body has felt like the body of a flower!
Sometimes already my heart is a red parrot, perched
among strange, dark trees, flapping and screaming.

Technology Deprived

I turned into an old woman for a week. More specifically my mother. She stretches out on the couch, gets all set to watch her favorite shows, and then she’s asleep before the first commercial break. I’d come home around eight or nine this week and promptly doze on the couch for a couple hours. I think I was out by 10:00 every night. I didn’t know what else to do since my computer was broken.  I guess I can’t really understand that logic now but it made sense at the time. I like watching TV but it’s not something I can sit still for unless I’m doing something else. So this may have been first clue that I rely on my computer too much.

Or maybe that came as soon as I drove home from dropping it off and my first thought upon entering was that I should look up the song I just heard on the radio. And it continued like that. I’d want to check facebook then I’d remember, go to write then I’d remember. I don’t know at which point it become normal for me to write using the computer. Maybe its the three bags full of papers and notebooks that are in no discernible order.

I’m usually always on my computer. Sometimes I’m even doing something productive on it. Something went wrong with it (determined to not be my fault, yay).  The picture would freeze or turn gray and I had to move the screen to adjust it and get it to work again. This started out fine but when I was shaking it like an Etch-A-Sketch to get it to return to normal I figured it was probably time to just send it in.

The computer is back now and I’m happy. I did manage to get a few things accomplished without it. I got some cleaning done, I washed and folded a huge amount of laundry, I watched all of Party Down while washing said laundry. When I didn’t have anything else to do during TV I tried doing stomach crunches. I resorted to exercise and cleaning. I’m so glad my computer is back.

Spring or any other type of cleaning

My goal on Saturday was to tidy up my room. By tidy up, I mean all of my clothes seemed to have exploded from my drawers and were now lying on my floor. And anywhere not covered by clothes was filled with papers. It’s embarrassing to say how messy I am, but I had four beer bottles hidden in my room. It might have been fun if they were full, but it was like a sad and disappointing scavenger hunt when they’re not. I used to think I was a complete slob and I probably still am. To some degree though, I think some of my behavior can now be explained by the ADHD.

It seems like it takes me years to get a room clean, or it would if I followed through. I’ll try for a second but I can’t continue so I turn the TV on to help me. Then a small corner of my room gets cleaned and I end up watching a whole season of Arrested Development in a day. Or I just can’t figure out how to organize and then anything else will happen, and I will devote all my attention to that fascinating thing and forget about cleaning. Or there are moments when I get focused and in the zone and almost my whole room and bathroom get cleaned until I get burned out and have no will to clean at all for the next few weeks and then everything has gotten messy once again.

I’m not averse to being neat. I’ve always been able to clean when I’m being paid to. When I’ve cleaned at various jobs the only choice was to clean or be terribly bored, but there’s too many distractions at home. One tip I read was to spend ten minutes a day doing the tough jobs that you can never get done. This is good in theory but once I get busy it’s hard to keep it up every day.

So I had the whole on Saturday to get things clean. I managed to wash all my clothes. There’s still some that need to be folded but I managed to get most of them. I even got rid of some clothes I never wear anymore, like the t-shirt from sixth grade that I still had even though I can’t even pretend it fits me anymore. The season of TV I watched this time was Black Books, which isn’t terrible considering the season is only six episodes. My family was also cleaning and getting rid of stuff because they’re moving soon. Well I guess we’re all moving but they’re going to a smaller town where my dad got a job at and I’m staying here and mooching off friends and family as much as possible.

We were all making progress. Me in my room, my mom packing items, and my dad was using some fancy carpet washing/cleaning thingy. My father finished cleaning his office while I went into the laundry room to switch out a load of darks. Some stuff from his office had been moved into the laundry room. There was a trashcan on top of an office chair and the broom was across the chair in front of the trashcan. I started rolling the chair back into his office and somehow the broom fell down and got caught into the legs of the chair and the trashcan went pitching forward. Normally there’s just papers in the trashcan but because of the intensive carpet cleaning there was a huge mound of gray dust that embedded itself into the still drying carpet.

So it seems even when I take a step forward, I still end up making a mess. But on the bright side, I did get the opportunity to learn how to use a carpet cleaner thingy on Saturday.

Aspiration: I’ve been trying to learn Spanish so I need to pick that up again.

Are you a neat freak? Or do you dread cleaning? Either way, any tips?

Small Progress and Small Bugs

The little things matter. I didn’t get started until ten today. When that happens I tend to berate myself and feel like I wasted the day. Today, I made the best of it. I started writing anyway, even got a bit of freelancing done. I did a load of laundry. Sure right now I’m distracted by the Big Bang Theory, but I’m only watching a half hour of it before I do some more writing. And I’m getting this blog post done.

A lot of the time I feel like I’m taking too long to get things finished or I don’t accomplish as much I wanted to. I have to accept that it might take me more time to do things then it takes others. That I do those things is what is important.

The small things matter, and here’s an example I found while going through the sporadic journal I’ve been trying to keep for a while. In the summer I wrote that I saved a grasshopper from the obliteration it would have found under my uncles shoes. While everyone else screamed about the bug, I grabbed my empty water glass and a broom and took it safely outside.

English: A grasshopper at the fort
I save bugs whenever I see them in the house. I’m not a pro at it. It’s a safe bet that while everyone else was screaming about the bug, I was too. At least they have a small house. When I see a spider in my bathroom I have to run down a flight of stairs. I have a spider in a cup and a flimsy piece of paper over it, and I shriek all the way. Bugs scare me, I hate them being in the house but I would never squash one. I plead with them to just get in the cup while I make nervous noises anytime they move closer.  It’s a little thing but I refuse to kill them. Even though it could be agrued that I scare them to death when I fling them out into my yard, I won’t squish them. My family and friends laugh at me and say the bugs don’t matter. But they do to me. If I can put the effort into saving bugs I don’t like, even when I’m scared, surely I can do the same with my own life. I can do the things that frighten me, I can put effort into the small things. Even if it doesn’t seem like I’m doing much, if it matters to me then that’s whats important.

Aspiring Writer

I’ve been lazy recently. I have a lot of experience with lazy, but I feel like I’ve been doing better. Now it’s four in the afternoon and I’m still in my pajamas. I haven’t updated my blog in a while, I haven’t done much writing creatively or freelance, and my normally unorganized life feels even more cluttered. I’ve been trying to learn Spanish and start exercising more but no suerte.

Of course, part of the reason I haven’t been able to accomplish anything lately is that I don’t go back to the doctor until next week and I’m out of the medication I’m currently on for my ADHD. Towards the end of this sample pack, I started to wonder if the medication was really doing anything then I ran out of it. It definitely was. I can’t believe how spacey I became, I made really dumb mistakes on people’s orders and I lost my keys, my shoes, everything constantly. I just recently found out about the ADHD and I’m sure I’ll write more about it later, but the point was since I’m feeling unaccomplished it was great to get some good news.

I found a small magazine that seems to have started recently and puts content written by women on their website and in a quarterly newsletter. I had a small piece ready and while it didn’t pay, it didn’t cost anything to submit so I sent it in. Well, I made it on the website and in the magazine. I’ll post a link when it’s up or the magazine is out but I’m thrilled. I’ve just started showing my work to people so obviously I’ve never had anything published and I’m very excited.

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