Okay blog, we have to stop meeting like this. In my defense, there have been some big changes since I last updated. You know, there’s some blogs I read that are deeply personal and really open about what the writer is going through in their life. I admire those people because they largely share things I would never be comfortable with telling friends, let alone the internet. Though I guess it’s easier to tell strangers thing, as I posted about having ADHD on my blog before I ever mentioned it to most of the people in my life.
I’ve been trying to be more forthcoming with information about my life and maybe having this blog is helping that, but there’s still things I’m private about. Or maybe I’m just not ready to discuss everything yet. I’m not being intentionally vague to draw anyone in, I’m just taking a long time to get to my point, which is also unsatisfying and vague. I was supposed to be moving into an apartment with a friend at the end of the month. However, that is probably no longer going to happen. A mix of financial issues, health problems, more financial issues because of said health problems, and stupidity on my part means I’ll probably be heading to a small town with family.
There are many good things and bad things to this decision. I’ll be moving from friends and civilization, there’s no Chipotle in the new town, and my family is great but I was ready to live on my own. On the plus side the cost is less, I’ll be less stressed and more productive, and my family is pretty great and they have dogs.
What I will say is that I probably don’t have ADHD. Or maybe I do. As anyone who deals with any of these issues knows, one’s mental health can be confusing. There are many things like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and ADHD that blur together or occur together and in medical terminology; it’s a bitch to figure out. So while I am not moving, I am hopefully going to be figuring out more about my lovely and annoying mind and how it works, spending quality time with the pets, and living a hopefully amusing life in a town where I may be the only liberal and vegetarian.
Wasn’t going to use a picture, but WordPress suggested this. I may have problems but I will not cut off my ear.
I used to panic and obsessively go over my lines before each acting class. I was sure I was going to forget something even though I never did in any of the previous classes, or during the times I acted in high school. Maybe it was the added pressure of having to watch myself on screen or being in front of new people. In between scenes I’d go over my lines again and repeat them in my head during other’s scenes. That’s how I am about most things in life. I check over everything, and then I double check. And I check a ton more just for the fun, or not fun of it. A key piece of advice my acting teacher has been giving us that I’m starting to get the hang of is this: fuck it.
I realized last week that I wasn’t anxious about getting up and doing my scene. The lights, the ten people staring at me didn’t bother me. I didn’t have to spend the previous minutes working up my courage to get up there or giving myself pep talks. It was our turn, I went up there, I did it. Another thing he says is the uncomfortable become comfortable by doing the uncomfortable. And it’s working. The last class my partner and I improvised at least a page of dialogue after the scene because we just kept going until the teacher called cut. I hate improvising but I was able to do it easily and it was kind of awesome.
Now that I’m more comfortable I’ve found other areas to obsess over. I’m focused on how I do everything. I go up there and do the scene then I wonder is this a good enough connection to my partner, what am I showing on my face. And I watch it back and wonder do my eyes move too much, why didn’t I wear makeup this time, yes my voice really sounds like that. So this is the next piece of advice I have to master: fuck it. Again. Another guy in class used to get nerves so much that he would sweat through every scene he was in until he got comfortable. Now that he’s started sweating again he thinks it’s because he’s a perfectionist and he’s putting too much pressure on himself during each scene. I’m not sure of an un-cheesy way to say this but our teacher stresses the importance of believing in yourself. So many people in the business will give you notes and things to change about yourself and most of them won’t know what they’re talking about. So you have to know yourself and what you can do then do it and stop worrying. No one is perfect. And yes my voice really sounds like that. But a woman there called it unique instead of high pitched and thought I might want to look into voice over work too.
My current aspiration: Get a fucking headshot already
It’s ten. My mom is asleep on the couch while I play chest and try not to focus on the Mentalist. I had a great game last night where my father didn’t slaughter me but won after a hard fought battle. It’s not that the Mentalist is distracting but that I hate it. I love Simon Baker, or I know nothing about Simon Baker but I think he is very attractive. And his partner is from Empire Records, but really what else does that show have going for it? Besides being a highly successful crime procedural, of course.
We all had a busy week. My parents are putting their house on the market in March. It wasn’t until this Saturday that I actually realized how soon March was. Selling the house in March was the plan from November, it’s just what we said. And now it’s happening. I’m not actually that sentimental about the house. It kinda sucks that now it’s as close to brand new as it was since twenty years ago when it was brand new and we don’t get to enjoy it. But I’m most disappointed that my dogs will be moving an hour away once the house sells.
I was going to move when the house sold. And by move I mean I was going to find other family members to mooch off, many who have already offered. I don’t know how to illustrate how cheap I am because there isn’t really a list of set things I do. I just don’t spend money whenever possible. And I find it’s possible a lot. But now I’m at a point where I saying fuck it. I’m always saving up for some point in the future, whether it’s an emergency or my current plans to move to LA. Except it’s not really saving, it’s hoarding. I don’t have a good relationship with money. It causes me too much stress and anxiety. And I’m finding that save for money I really do want to move into my own apartment. So yes I will have to spend money. Once I’m done cringing over that I’m telling myself that this will be a positive experience for me or other happy mantras I can repeat when I freak out over money. But it will be. And I can still save money for LA. And my roommate wants to get a cat and name it Princess Sparkle. So there’s that too.
A cute cat picture cures all worries.