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Posts tagged ‘fears’

Fuck it

I used to panic and obsessively go over my lines before each acting class. I was sure I was going to forget something even though I never did in any of the previous classes, or during the times I acted in high school. Maybe it was the added pressure of having to watch myself on screen or being in front of new people. In between scenes I’d go over my lines again and repeat them in my head during other’s scenes. That’s how I am about most things in life. I check over everything, and then I double check. And I check a ton more just for the fun, or not fun of it.  A key piece of advice my acting teacher has been giving us that I’m starting to get the hang of is this: fuck it.

I realized last week that I wasn’t anxious about getting up and doing my scene. The lights, the ten people staring at me didn’t bother me. I didn’t have to spend the previous minutes working up my courage to get up there or giving myself pep talks. It was our turn, I went up there, I did it. Another thing he says is the uncomfortable become comfortable by doing the uncomfortable. And it’s working. The last class my partner and I improvised at least a page of dialogue after the scene because we just kept going until the teacher called cut.  I hate improvising but I was able to do it easily and it was kind of awesome.

Now that I’m more comfortable I’ve found other areas to obsess over. I’m focused on how I do everything. I go up there and do the scene then I wonder is this a good enough connection to my partner, what am I showing on my face. And I watch it back and wonder do my eyes move too much, why didn’t I wear makeup this time, yes my voice really sounds like that. So this is the next piece of advice I have to master: fuck it. Again. Another guy in class used to get nerves so much that he would sweat through every scene he was in until he got comfortable.  Now that he’s started sweating again he thinks it’s because he’s a perfectionist and he’s putting too much pressure on himself during each scene.  I’m not sure of an un-cheesy way to say this but our teacher stresses the importance of believing in yourself. So many people in the business will give you notes and things to change about yourself and most of them won’t know what they’re talking about. So you have to know yourself and what you can do then do it and stop worrying. No one is perfect. And yes my voice really sounds like that. But a woman there called it unique instead of high pitched and thought I might want to look into voice over work too.

My current aspiration: Get a fucking headshot already

Small Progress and Small Bugs

The little things matter. I didn’t get started until ten today. When that happens I tend to berate myself and feel like I wasted the day. Today, I made the best of it. I started writing anyway, even got a bit of freelancing done. I did a load of laundry. Sure right now I’m distracted by the Big Bang Theory, but I’m only watching a half hour of it before I do some more writing. And I’m getting this blog post done.

A lot of the time I feel like I’m taking too long to get things finished or I don’t accomplish as much I wanted to. I have to accept that it might take me more time to do things then it takes others. That I do those things is what is important.

The small things matter, and here’s an example I found while going through the sporadic journal I’ve been trying to keep for a while. In the summer I wrote that I saved a grasshopper from the obliteration it would have found under my uncles shoes. While everyone else screamed about the bug, I grabbed my empty water glass and a broom and took it safely outside.

English: A grasshopper at the fort
I save bugs whenever I see them in the house. I’m not a pro at it. It’s a safe bet that while everyone else was screaming about the bug, I was too. At least they have a small house. When I see a spider in my bathroom I have to run down a flight of stairs. I have a spider in a cup and a flimsy piece of paper over it, and I shriek all the way. Bugs scare me, I hate them being in the house but I would never squash one. I plead with them to just get in the cup while I make nervous noises anytime they move closer.  It’s a little thing but I refuse to kill them. Even though it could be agrued that I scare them to death when I fling them out into my yard, I won’t squish them. My family and friends laugh at me and say the bugs don’t matter. But they do to me. If I can put the effort into saving bugs I don’t like, even when I’m scared, surely I can do the same with my own life. I can do the things that frighten me, I can put effort into the small things. Even if it doesn’t seem like I’m doing much, if it matters to me then that’s whats important.

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